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I laid there shaking, Tuesday. My day had been okay, my mood seemed fine. and then it hit. Depression. I was shaking and crying and I didn't know what to do with myself. My mom came in to get me for dinner. This wasn't the first time this had happened. My mother knew just what to do. We got me out of bed and into the kitchen. A crazy night, and through all of this I was also ashamed. I had self harmed again. But God, I thought you took this from me. Why? I didn't understand how I could have done this, again. Wednesday night, youth group. I was feeling worthless, unloved so, I secluded myself, or tried at least. My friends came to my side, they made it impossible for me to be alone, to overthink, and to feel unloved. But I still didn't know what was going on with me. Then the speakers went up. We had two speakers that night, they were both amazing! But there was one line that really hit me. "Once you surrender something to God the devil can't get it back. The devil can't just grab something from Gods hands and use it against you." I was confused, upset, and slightly angry at God. I didn't understand how the Devil had gotten a hold of me again with this thing that I thought I had given up. Then God gave me the answer. I picked it back up. The Devil didn't take it from God's hands, I did. I walked right up to him and grabbed it from his hands. I decided it was something I was used to so it was fine for me to keep. That was when the Devil had the opportunity to use it against me. Not because God gave it back but, because I took it back. Surrender is not a one time thing. It is a daily battle. I have to wake up and make the choice to surrender my day, my actions, and my thoughts to God daily. It's not a one time fix, it's a choice.