I have known since I was young that God has called me to a life of worship. He speaks to me through song, through music. I pray through worship, I dance in worship to express my emotions, and God has gifted me with a voice. But through the years I have found myself losing my heart of worship to my insecurities and pride.
It seems odd to put pride and insecurity together, but I'll tell you why. My insecurities have encouraged me to lean on other's approval for my self worth rather than trusting that God has made me worthy. Through years of seeking worth from others I have found that many compliments have come through my talents in the arts. My voice became the only thing about myself that I didn't hate because it was the one thing that everybody liked.
Lord, bring me back to the heart of worship.
I have been called to humble my heart, and it's easier said than done. For years, every time I try to worship I find myself focusing on what I look like or how I sound. Even in my alone time I find myself obsessing over the songs that I wrote or songs that I could write rather than the meaning behind it all.
I found no point in worshiping on my bad days, after all, I don't feel like singing.
Today marks three years since my aunt's death and it hasn't been easy. I spent all morning laying in bed crying and missing her. This afternoon I drug myself out to the living room when my roommate got home. She was already setting up her speaker to play music, and I didn't mind I suppose. As worship music began blaring through her speaker I found my heart beginning to harden. I was unwilling to worship on this day that I am barely making it through all because I didn't feel like singing.
Worship and singing are not the same thing.
The Lord has spoken to me a couple times telling me this; But it didn't hit until today. Worship is from the heart not the voice. Worship is a declaration of freedom and love, not a song. Worship is for everyone, not just those with "pretty voices". We do not dance to show people that we love God, we dance to show God that we love Him. We dance to express our joy, our freedom, and sometimes even our anger or sadness. Worship is our battle cry on the dark days and our anthem in the light. It is the song of our heart not the song of our mind.
A heart of worship is not just for those blessed with musical talents; but rather a heart which we should all strive for. A heart of worship is a heart of pure surrender, a heart of love, trust, and sacrifice. A heart of worship is what God calls us all to. We are meant to fight our battles using worship. Throw that in the enemies face! Do not build walls around your heart, but rather, build a song around it.
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