Picked Last

I'm try. I try to be a good person, a good friend. I try to reach out and I try to participate. But, I'm beginning to realize that I am simply an after thought in the lives of many, many people. The people I consider my best friends and dear to my heart seem to find me just another person that is occasionally convenient to talk to. I have integrated myself into groups of people but no matter how hard I try to fit in they just don't seem to notice me. And it's not that they don't care or that they're bad people because that's not the case. It's just that they don't think of it, of me. I doubt they realize they're even doing it. But that doesn't make it hurt less. One of my biggest fears in life right now is that I'll be forgotten... but I suppose people can't forget you if they never knew you in the first place. I am living as a shadow, a background character in the lives of the people I hold dearest. I am sick and tired of never being thought of. I have to invite myself everywhere I go because nobody every thinks to invite me. I host bonfires and movie days just so I can have time with the friends that only seem to make time for me when it's convenient for them. I'm pouring into so many friendships and I'm getting nothing in return. I'm not trying to sound petty or whiny; but it hurts to be constantly left out of everything unless I invite myself. Just once, once would I like to be thought of first. I just want to be apart of something bigger that myself. I want friends to make gifts for, to care for, to hang out with. I want to be picked first for anybody's team... but I don't think they want me. And if they do they have a funny way of showing it because I'm always picked last.