The last two weeks haven't been easy for me. I've been struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and a whole lot of stress. I'm not really sure where the stress was coming from but never the less it brought about another problem... food. When I am struggling mentally my brain attacks my body. So, every day for the last two weeks every time I eat I get sick. My head pounds, my stomach aches, I get nauseous, I just can't stomach the food. I did my best to stick to a liquid diet but with that came more hurt than it all was worth. Having to say no to every food in front of me brought back memories and triggers of the anorexia I had dealt with in my past for so many years. Not eating became a game again. How long can I go without eating? How many excuses can I come up with; and how many will they believe? I began to count calories and pinch and prod at myself in the mirror. God told me I needed to draw boundaries for myself, with myself. I forced myself to eat solid food at least once a day despite the pain it put me through. I stopped looking in the mirror every night before bed. I stopped listening to songs about eating disorders that didn't have a Godly message. I had to choose to not let the devil have his hand in this. The Lord has already taken this from me and I no longer need to fight that battle. Yet I find myself trying over and over to take it back. I know it doesn't make sense; an awful, painful, deadly struggle was taken away from me and I want it back? I must be crazy! But hear me out, I was comfortable there. Sure, it sucked; but it's what I knew. And for many years it was all I knew. And when I feel like I'm crashing and burning that is my safe space, it makes me feel in control while everything is crashing down around me. I think we all have a tendency to do similar things. your struggle may not look the same as mine but we all have something. We all have something that me have given up to God that every once in a while we just wonder what our life would be like if we had that back. It may be drugs, eating disorders, self harm, alcohol, depression, stress, distrust. And I get it, when I'm in that head space it's never as easy as "Just Eat" it takes prayer, support, dedication, determination,trust in God and a whole lot of will. So don't give up. If God took it from you once he can and will do it again and again and again. But that being said, don't fight him for it. Don't fight a battle that's already won. Once God has it in his hands the devil cannot use it against you. sometimes we struggle as a reminder of who we once were but fighting through it is what makes us who we are today. We are warriors.
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