Yep, that's right, again. 5th times a charm. Another REALLY rough day full of suicidal thoughts, ending with an explosion of emotion, followed by numbness, and a trip to the hospital. We sat in the ER waiting room for a few hours (more like 12), until we finally got a room in the ER. By that time it was 3:30 am and my dad and sister had gone home. Mom and I were exhausted but, our night wasn't over yet. They drew my blood, sent in psych triage, and finally got me my meds around 5:00 am. Sleep, precious sleep at last! Then... we got woken up by the breakfast delivery at 9:00 am. I soon was moved upstairs to the pediatric unit, due to the lack of beds on the adolescent psych unit (PCCA). My roommate on the pediatric unit was super cool! She taught me how to make origami cranes. Her mom brought us watercolor. And she taught me about black out poetry. After three days I went to the 2nd floor, PCCA and my roommate went home. Here we go again, my 4th time at PCCA and my 5th inpatient total. My new roommate was kind but we are on different paths in life, she has a great future ahead of her if she chooses to change her life choices and chase her dreams. I on the other hand know my dreams and intend on chasing them. Needless to say, they upped the dosage on a couple of my meds and sent me home. Since being home I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety and stress about school and my future. I never really worried about my future. I Never stressed about my future because I never thought I had one. I spent years assuming I would die first because I felt I didn't deserve a future. My friends, family, and God have helped me to see that my future matters and it is in God's hands, not my own. My future is precious, beautiful, and undecided. My here and now is what matters, now is where my heart needs to be. Live in the moment and treasure the memories. School is finished for the year, my best friend graduated (I'm so happy for her but I'm going to miss her so much), and I am going into my senior year many credits behind and unsure of my educational journey. So, after a couple more weeks and phone calls with the principle, my parents and I came to a conclusion about my senior year. I am going to take choir, band, and radio broadcasting at Newport High School. I will do GED preparation at home, and take the GED tests when I am ready. All of this behind me, I got a job! I am working in retail at a theme park. two of my friends and my sister also got jobs in the same department and I look forward to working with great people and bringing in a little money to go to camp, buy a guitar, and get a tattoo with my mom (It's a semicolon tattoo). Although it's been a crazy month, it has been an adventure that I won't soon forget. I've made new friends. And I've made new memories with old friends. I will cling to the memories I have made and will strive to create more.
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