I feel like I'm going crazy. So much has happened in the last month and I don't even know where to begin. well, I guess I'll start with the hospital. I was having mood swings worse than I ever had before. That night it got really bad. Voices were yelling at me from no where telling me to kill myself, and I believed them. I laid there in numbness and pain wanting it all to end, screaming at the voices to leave me alone, but they refused. After hours of this my parents decided it wasn't going to stop, no matter what we tried. we came to the conclusion that we ought to go in. we got in the car and headed to Sacred Heart Hospital. This was my fourth time going in for suicidal thoughts and/or actions. I knew the procedure. We sat in the waiting room for an hour or two then headed back to the emergency room. I had a psych evaluation and they decided to send me to inpatient, again. I wasn't safe at home, I get that, but I still didn't want to go. They sent me over to Kootenai Behavioral Health in Coeur d'alene Idaho where I spent my next two weeks. They wanted to send me to a long-term treatment center but I refused to go into a state program. We contacted a private long-term in Tennessee. Kootenai changed my medications and sent me home at last. A week later I had a phone call with the long-term in Tennessee. They told me I needed to work on my dissociation (spacing out, forgetting things, and doing things I don't remember) before they could accept me and to call back in a month or two. So here I am at home still dealing with life as I am and praying for it all to get better. My mom's best friend got married in Seattle area two weeks ago. The wedding was great and I am glad to see her so happy! I started driver ed on Tuesday. Which has been a huge struggle. Last November my aunt passed away, my mom and I were the ones to find her. Ever since that night sirens trigger my anxiety. The first three classes have done nothing but instill fear into our minds and hearts to keep us from being stupid on the road. Which isn't the world's worst thing. But we have watched many videos containing car crashes and sirens. Needless to say, I'm trying to get over that so I can drive safely and calmly. On top of all of this, I broke up with my boyfriend on Wednesday. I had my reasons. He didn't know how to communicate well and didn't understand my mental health very well. Frankly, I didn't see a future with him. Also, I kinda like this other guy. If I can't give my whole heart, I won't give it at all. And lastly, but most importantly, he isn't pursuing God anymore. It was time for us both to move on, grow up, and find the right people. Unfortunately he doesn't see it that way, he's not taking very well and refuses to be kind and civil. I hope he gets past this, I just want what's best for the both of us. Well, that was my month. Crazy right? But I want to thank my family, my friends, and my God for being here for me through this mess, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. I love you guys.
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