It's been a while. I guess I didn't really know what to say until now, but here it goes. Since my last post in May a lot has been going on in my soul. After that night of prayer I thought I was healed completely and would no longer struggle with bipolar or anxiety; so after a couple months when I relapsed in my self harm I was angry at God and I didn't understand. Looking back into those months I realized that I was still having manic episodes and anxiety, I just hadn't experienced a major depressive episode in a while. Something new happened though, my empathy grew to a new level. If I laid my hand on someone to pray I could feel their emotions, their fear, anxiety, doubt, all of it. A couple months had passed and I was in a dark place again. I was self harming and struggling with my eating habits. I wasn't actively suicidal but still had those thoughts in the back of my mind constantly getting louder. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive either. At the end of August I had a day where depression struck me hard. I couldn't get out of bed. I called a friend who encouraged me to come to Arm-her up (bible study/prayer group). I drug myself out of bed by 4:00 in the afternoon and went to the church. After group I ended up getting prayer, a lot of prayer, which led to something I never imagined would happen to me. A demon was cast out of me that night. The "fact" that I grew up on believing that a demon could not possess the soul of someone who had the Holy Spirit was debunked. I knew I had the Lord. I could hear his voice. I have heard the demons in my mind my whole life; but I always shut them out. That night I could hear three voices, all very clear. Mine, God's, and the demon's. For the first time in my life I was tying to listen to all of them. But the only one able to make a sound out of my mouth was not that of me or God. I never knew what true fear felt like until I felt a demon stare the Holy Spirit in the face. I was told by some of the people who prayed for me that this was it, I wasn't going to deal with my mental illness anymore. The next few days were difficult. I felt empty. Not numb, just empty. Like a white room, polished to perfection with nothing inside of it. It scared me. As days went by I was still struggling with my bipolar. I was angry and confused. I thought they told me this was over. They did, but God did not. Through prayer I gained a peace around it all as God explained to me that this healing everyone is pushing on me is not my destiny, at least not right now. If it weren't for the way I feel emotions, I would not be who I am. My writing, my singing, my dancing, my art, and even my acting would not be the same. I may not fit into this box that the world has made for me. But we were never meant to fit into worldly boxes. We were never meant to fit man's image. For we were made in the image of God himself. I am not broken, I am different; and that's okay.
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