Congrats

It's that time of year again, graduation. This year was supposed to be my senior year. They treated me like one; senior nights for cheer and band were a blast, senior picnic was fun, and they even put me in the yearbook with a senior quote and picture. But I'm not graduating. I've had so many hospital visits; I've been focusing on my mental health so much that I'm missing too many credits. Now don't get me wrong, I think it's very important to focus on your mental and physical health above your education, but it still hurts. I didn't deserve those senior nights, or the quote and picture in the yearbook. I didn't deserve to be treated like a part of that class when I can't even walk with them. And I'm happy for them, for all my friends that are graduating now. But it hurts when people start to ask questions. " Are you excited to graduate?" " What are you doing with your future?" "Are you going to college in the fall?" These questions make me wonder what I did wrong. I wonder if I'm stupid and/or incapable of learning. I'm different and I know that's not bad; but it hurts sometimes. I know that I have talents and friends and a bright future, but I feel stuck. I feel like my future isn't as bright as everyone says it will be. I love my friends, but I know they can't understand how I feel right now. I know I have talents, but there will always be someone better than me. I realize life isn't easy all the time; but I would like to think that I'm worth more than this. This moment that I feel trapped in is tearing me apart. I just keep thinking and dwelling on the negatives. Instead of being proud of my friends I find myself wondering if this is somehow my fault. Did I mess this up? Did I ruin my own future? Will I ever make it through high school. Now if you ask me what my plan is, right now I do have one. My plan is to make it through high school, through life, one day at a time. In the fall I will be attending the alternative high school in Newport four days a week half days. I am currently looking for a job in the area. I turn 18 in August and I hope to get my drivers licence soon. I'm doing my best to cherish my friends and family, to live in the moment, and to enjoy the little things in life. I'm learning to focus on the positives and I'm figuring out how to cope with my mental illness while not forgetting to have fun and live my life. Even when you feel worthless try to see yourself through the eyes of those who hold you dear. Those who love you see you as an amazing, talented, wonderful, capable human being. You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine; and you are not defined by your mental illness, by your mistakes, or by your failures. Because without it all, you wouldn't be you.