Monday night my boyfriend and I broke up. Wednesday would have been one year of us being together. Now, before you go jumping to conclusions, it's no one's fault. I get it, he has stuff going on in his life and needs to figure it out before he's ready for a relationship. But that doesn't make it hurt less... I've never felt a pain this deep. I thought it would get better as the days go by but the pain only grows with each passing day. I'll wait, I'll wait for him to be ready for a relationship. I love him too much to give up on us. I love him too much to let him go forever. I asked him if he still loved me, still cared, if we had a chance again someday. he said of course and I'm holding onto that. Him leaving left a hole in my heart like a ship on the ocean it's sinking. I'm drowning, drowning in my tears hoping that it kills me. But I told him that I would try to take care of myself. Here's the thing, it doesn't just hurt... it scares me. Every time I try to imagine my future it either has him in it or it doesn't exist. When I was with him I was finally excited for my future, for a career, a family, a life worth living. When I looked into his eyes it felt like my life was finally falling into place; I felt less broken. I'm so happy that he is taking the time to take care of himself because I care so deeply for him. But it's killing me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't hold back the tears. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop thinking about him. Everywhere I turn something reminds me of him. From the way my hair falls in my face to the coffee that I drink. He used to move my hair out of my eyes. I still remember his coffee order. When I cook I can't help but to think of how much he loves food and insisted on trying everything I make. He used to make my favorite food on the days I wouldn't eat because he knew I wouldn't refuse. His smile is ingrained in my brain and when I close my eyes I can't help but to see his face. Maybe that's the reason that I can't sleep at night. But I'm holding onto the hope that I won't have to let him go, that someday (when he's ready) we can be together again. Because I don't know that I'll ever "get over him" and I don't want to. In the mean time I need to work on me. How can I expect him to love me if I don't even love myself. So I get up, I shower, I paint my nails and put on cute clothes. Because if I keep trying to be okay maybe, hopefully, I will be. A broken heart doesn't mean a ruined life. Hold on to the friendships and take the time to get to know your friends and yourself a little more. Go shopping, take a bubble bath, bake some cookies just for you. Take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be here for the person of your dreams, you won't every be ready to love like that if you don't let yourself love you and allow others to love you too. Healing will come with time. Ships can be fixed, rebuilt, and sailed again. Don't give up on your dreams and don't let yourself drown in the tears created by the broken pieces of your heart. There may be scars, but cherish the memories... cherish life.
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