Adult?

August first I turned 18. I have to start adulting now. This means making my own phone calls and signing my own papers. but it also means there are things i legally have access to. This last few weeks I have been challenged in my morals, needs, and addictions. At the age of 18 I now have more access to things like cigarettes. I used to smoke but broke the habit because I knew how much my loved ones did and would hate it. but recently I have been facing that addiction once again. I know that smoking is right at my finger tips, just a few dollars away. And legally I don't have to sneak around anymore. Legally yes, I can; but I know that I shouldn't. I run into the same problem with my ability to buy knives. Stronger than my addiction to smoking ever was is my addiction to self harm. I have struggled with self harm for about 11 years and it has gotten worse over the years. I have been clean for about 4 months; but I had no idea how strong the urge would be when suddenly my world of access opened up. I don't have to scrape at the ground for sharp objects anymore. I can simply walk into any knife shop, show my I.D. and waltz out with something new, sharp, and dangerous. Now, although I have access now and a strong urge to fall back into old habits; I have yet to proceed with those actions. Becoming an adult wasn't what I expected. I expected to sign some papers, maybe get a job, finish school, and start to pay for my own stuff. And yes, that all will come to pass. But right now being an adult means making the choices on a daily basis to take care of myself, to say no to falling into old habits. Being an adult for me means I have choices to make and the ability to say yes... but also the ability to say no.